Any miscellany that catches my fancy
Glorifying the American icon: Chuck Norris _________________________________Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, butbecause he has run out of women.Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norriscan kill him and take it.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke thespeed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she wasflying over the Pacific Ocean.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets theinformation he wants.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two secondstill." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in theface.Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decidedto punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew abeard.Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deathshave increased 13,000 percent.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks andunparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soulback. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted heshould have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday ofthe month.Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought astillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind thecrew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFKassassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck NorrisChuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealousof Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to haveChuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhousekick related deaths.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds ofcancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,Lance Armstrong.There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high schoolfootball game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees tolet him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhousekicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bangevery girl in the stadium.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "ChuckNorris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," andstarred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth fromdrug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far toomuch awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarkednames for his left and right legs.It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates tohim. Pirates never were very smart.
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